I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
