I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
