just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
