i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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