so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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