last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
