Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
