The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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