My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
