I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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