Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
