Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.