Acid is not a monday night drug
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma