The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.