I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
