Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
