I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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