Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
