can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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