I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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