I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
