Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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