i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
