Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
