My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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