Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
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Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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