On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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