I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
