Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
