I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
