sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
