i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's like iHOP with fire
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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