is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So vagazzling was a success
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
