Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
