Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize