Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
