Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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