Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
