I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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