Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
