running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
