On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
