i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
