I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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