so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
