Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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