Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
