ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
