Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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