cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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