I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.