Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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