i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
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My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
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Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.