Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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