you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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