I'm jealous of your bromance
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
