"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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